• believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray out loud.
• like to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more than four stanzas.
• believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital, even if they don't notify them that they are there.
• usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.
• feel that applauding for the children's choirs would make the kids too proud and conceited.
• think that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while passing the peace.
• drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.

• still believe that an ELCA bride and an LCMS groom make for a mixed marriage.

• feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.

• think that Garrison Keillor stories are totally factual.

• know that any Lutheran mother can give any Jewish mother a run for their money in the guilt department.

• feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

• still serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color.

• consume some form of Jell-O at every holiday meal.

• think that peas in a tuna noodle casserole add too much color.

• believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.

• think butter is a spice.

• volunteer to shovel the sidewalk when the only open pew is up front.

• think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk, and Jell-O.

• hold family reunions in the church basement.

• understand that P.M.S. means "Post Merger Syndrome."

You know when you're a Lutheran when:

• It's 100 degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.

• You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can!

• The communion cabinet is open to all, but the coffee cabinet is locked up tight.

• All your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia.

• When you watch a "Star Wars" movie and they say, "May the Force be with you",  you respond, "and also with you".

• You actually understand those folks from Lake Wobegon, MN.  

• It takes ten minutes to say good-bye.

   

   

  How many churchgoers does it take to change a light bulb? Charismatic: Only one. Hand's already in the air. Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times. Roman Catholic: None. Candles only. Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad. Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell  him how to do it. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or  against the need for a light bulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number  of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or  completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday, October 14.  Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish. Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

   

   

   

  More Humor at the Old Lutheran website

   

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